Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
