Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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