my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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