The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
