I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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