i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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