Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
