Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
