I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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