I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
