I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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His new job just became new places to have sex at.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.