when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.