I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks