The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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