her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
