So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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