I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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