I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
