Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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