i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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