Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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