Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
