My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
