she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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