I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Someone came in the potted fern
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
