I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
