My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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