It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
