You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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