I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
