ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
where does the pee come out of this thing
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
