any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
