At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
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We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
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He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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