My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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