You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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