You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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