yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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