I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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