My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
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How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
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Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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