before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
