I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
two words...techno handjob
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
