I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just had sex bonerless
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
