a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
