you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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