mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
