Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
