Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
