i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
