"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
