Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
