Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
