I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
