i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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