You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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